Who knew parenting was so hard?

I struggle every day with "What more can I do? How can I help Eliah get better (and scream less)? How can I make Natalie feel special without spoiling her? How can I include Eliah in activities that Natalie does, and will those activities put him in sensory overload?"

Last week, we were in the hospital for another seizure with Eliah. I got so caught up in the seizure, ambulance, and hospital, that I forgot to tell Natalie good night and kiss her. I felt guilty all night. I felt guilty that I can't be in two places at one time. It's not fair that we spend so much time on Eliah and not on Natalie. And at the same time, it's not fair to Eliah that Natalie gets to have all the fun (go karts, ferris wheel, playgrounds). What is the answer? Is there even an answer?

When Friday came, we sat around and thought "What is something that we can do for dinner that would be different?". What we decided on was a weekend at the beach. We packed up then and there, and drove East.

It was a combination of giving the kids an adventure and just taking a moment to breathe. Although, not a typical vacation by any means. Eliah still requires a large amount of time and attention. But we were all doing something we enjoyed, spending time with each other. And for a brief amount of time, that's all we focused on.

Is life perfect? Hell no. Is life anything close to what I expected? Hell no. But I don't have a choice. I either have to embrace what I have and make the best of it, or I can give up. Giving up isn't really an option, because I don't trust anyone else to care for my children better than I can.

And I freely admit that I don't know what I'm doing. But I'm trying.